Veg-tishism: Zucchini

 This article was written by therecreationalvegan’s Guest Sex Columnist.

Encouraged by a gay male erotic short story I read and therecreationalvegan writers, I decided to incorporate vegetable, specifically a zucchini, in recent sexual experimentations.

Participants: Me, an almost ripened zucchini

Mode of Experiment: Vaginal sex only.

Cost: Total = approx. $4.00
$1.50 (+ tax) for one zucchini + $1.50 (+ tax) for one vegan condom + water-based lubricant

Despite relatively high expectations, I am disappointed to say that the experience was less than completely satisfying. While there were moments where the zucchini paralleled the effects and functions of a silicone dildo (its synthetic, often mass-duplicated counterpart), it was decidedly inferior. Several reasons accounted for the less-than-climatic results, the primary would be its firmness, or lack there of. Unless one chooses a very firm and completely unripend zucchini, my choice – like the majority of the zucchinis in the grocery store – would be too soft both for gripping and insertion. A loose and/or soft grip, coupled with its soft texture certainly decreased my sensitivity to the vegetable.

Also, unlike most dildos, vibrators, and other penetrative toys, a zucchini does not have a base with which to hold on. This added to the difficulty in tight and effective gripping and contributed to limited options for experimental positions. The results were moments of awkward interaction I am sure most lovers have experienced when they first became acquainted. However, this problem may be resolved with another human participant responsible for insertion. Nonetheless, I left the experiment feeling unexpectedly frustrated and perplexed by the question: “if a zucchini is not made for sex, why is it shaped like a dildo?” I highly encourage readers to pick their own zucchinis and replicate this experiment by themselves or with (a) partner(s), vaginally, anally, and/or in multiple positions. Your experiences may differ dramatically from mine.

#1 Be sure you are completely comfortable with the size and length of the chosen zucchini. I recommend measuring it against your favorite penetrative sex toy.

#2 Use a condom and lots of lube, you may feel the chosen zucchini to be smooth enough for penetration, but remember – your fingers are not the most sensitive parts of your body. Barebacking with a zucchini may also yield unwanted pesticide-genital contact.

#3 Pick the firmest zucchini you can find in a grocery store. If it is too firm, you can always let it ripen. If it is too soft, it may break.

Conclusion: Although the experience was not quite what was anticipated, it has certainly wetted my appetite for further experimentations with veg-tishism. Like the defenders of the meat industry who claim they use all parts of the animals, let’s try all corners, curves, and textures of vegetables. Enjoy!

Therecreationalvegan nor the Guest Sex Columnist take responsibility for any injuries caused from improper use of a zucchini.  Suggestions, questions or “thank yous!” should be submitted through the comment section below.


One Response to Veg-tishism: Zucchini

  1. Mary says:

    Hey, I actually tried this a few minutes ago, before I ever read this post. I have to say, I’m sorry that you had such a lack-luster experience. I was bored and alone, and I remembered my partner purchased zucchini recently for a dish he wanted to make. I bare-backed, and it was plenty firm enough, very chill to the touch (fridge! <3) and easy to grip. The experience was incredible, so I recommend it any day! Most cucumbers are too girthy, as far as I'm concerned, but they're a textured alternative for some, I'm sure.

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